Navigating Pre-emptive Grief for Pet Owners
We all want our best friends to live forever. Unfortunately, the sad truth is that the lifespan of most pets is shorter than that of us humans.
We associate the word ‘grief’ with the emotions that come after the loss of a loved one, but what about that moment when you realise that your adorable puppy or kitten is now in their senior years?
Let’s have a talk about the reality of coping with anticipatory grief, something that I have experienced myself…
If you have ever truly loved a pet (and I am assuming you have or currently do if you’re reading this), then you know just how quickly they become an important part of your life.
According to a Blue Cross poll, 95% of pet owners in the UK consider their pet to be part of the family, and 73% saying they bought them something nice to show them that they love them
It’s a significant shift in the way that pets are seen in our society.
At one time in history, pets were more of a ‘belonging’, something that was owned with a specific purpose in many cases. This included guard dogs, dogs, and cats to catch and eliminate rodents, hunting dogs/retrievers, etc.
While dogs still play an important role in many industries today, more families than ever have welcomed a pet into the home as a companion.
They are our best friends and therapists, comforting us in times of trouble and joining us on our adventures.
There is only one downside to this new role… Our pets have shorter lifespans than the average human, which means that welcoming a pet into your life means signing up for the grief that comes with loss.
However, there is one form of grief that no one really talks about, and that is anticipatory/pre-emptive grief. This refers to the emotions and struggles that a pet owner experiences when they realise that their pet’s time here may be ending in the near future.
This could be triggered by the realisation that your pet has entered its senior years, the diagnosis of a terminal illness or the discovery of a potentially life-threatening condition.
Finding Support
You’re not alone in feeling pre-emptive grief. Numerous resources and communities understand your pain and can offer support:
What is anticipatory grief?
Anticipatory grief is when grieving starts before the loss of your pet. It often starts when you hear your pet’s diagnosis is terminal, or you realise that your elderly pet’s quality of life is starting to decline. Anticipatory grief is complex, especially in pets, where pet parents are involved in making end of life decisions. Pet parents can become overwhelmed by:
Regret for lost time
Concerns around their pet suffering
The stress of end-of-life care
Anger at not being able to do more
Concerns about knowing when it’s the right time to say good-bye
Guilt around ‘playing god’
Worry at how to cope without their pet
The feeling of waiting for the blow, when the end inevitably comes
These emotions are intense, but they are an important part of the grieving process. It’s important to acknowledge and accept them. We are here to support you, step-by-step. Continue reading for our top tips for coping with anticipatory grief:
Strategies for coping with anticipatory grief
Be kind to yourself
Everyone’s experience of grief is different. There are no rules, and no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ here. Many people feel guilty about grieving when their pet is still alive. Be kind to yourself, remind yourself that these feelings are natural and that you are not alone in experiencing them. A beloved member of your family is dying, and grief is inevitable.
Seek support
There are many pet bereavement charities and counselling services available. End-of-life care can be physically exhausting as well as emotionally. It can involve multiple medications, vet trips, clearing up accidents in the house and sleepless nights. Don’t be afraid to ask friends and family for practical support, as well as emotional.
Enjoy your time together
This can be a tricky one. Well-meaning friends and family may advise you to make the most of your remaining time together. While the advice is good, it isn’t always as simple as that! It can help to remind yourself that you can still make the most of your time together while feeling desperately sad. Some ideas include:
Taking your pet to their favourite place, if they are able, or preparing their favourite treats
Taking lots of photos or videos. While some people prefer not to remember their pet being old or poorly, for others these final memories are precious
Make some paw print keep sakes together
Spending quality time together, which could be as simple as cuddling on the couch.
If your pet is still feeling up for it, I have had many families make a bucket list with some of their pet’s favourite activities. Ticking them off one-by-one will bring a lot of joy to both you and your pet.
Remember that everyone is different, so choose what works for you.
Plan ahead for the end
In an ideal world, our pets would pass naturally and painlessly in their sleep. Sadly, this is very rarely the case and euthanasia is almost always the kindest option. It can help to see euthanasia as a gift, that we can prevent our pets from experiencing needless suffering in those final days.
As impossible as it can seem to plan for the final parting, it really will help to be prepared. Firstly, it’s so important to understand how and when to make the decision that it’s time to say good-bye. Of course, no pet parent should have to make this decision alone, and you should always seek professional advice.
Next, it helps to understand the euthanasia process and your options afterwards. For example, do you wish to arrange for your pet to be cremated, and if so, would you like their ashes back? Or would you prefer a home burial?
Your future self will thank you for not having to make decisions during this highly emotional time.
Conclusion
Anticipatory grief is a natural emotion when facing the prospect of life without your companion. Don’t underestimate how stressful end-of-life care can be. Decisions will be weighing on your mind, the physical delivery of care can be exhausting, and the grief can be all consuming. Take each day as it comes, seek support from those around you and take comfort from our professional guidance.
